


Broken

by LottieWarwick



Category: Glue (TV), GlueE4
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:33:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2581595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieWarwick/pseuds/LottieWarwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cal relives some of his terrible experiences in care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> The first part (in italics) is very graphic.   
> The second part isn't so it's fine if you just want to read that.

_Hands, holding you down. Knees crushing your legs into the floor because of course he doesn’t care enough to take you to bed, even though the bed is right there._

_You don’t scream. There’s no point in screaming anyway, there’s no-one to hear but even if there was, your voice is stuck in your throat and no sound can come out._

_He tries to go inside you but you’re too tight. You’re not ready for him, you’ll never be ready for him so you’re all closed up.  
He’s angry with you now. He wants you to be all slick and ready and waiting just like he is for you. He forces it in and it hurts, the pain reverberates around your body but still you have no voice. _

_“Take it!” he shouts. “Take it!”_

_You take it because there’s nothing else you can do. You don’t have a choice. The pain sears, it burns, it stabs, again and again but you know he’ll keep going until he’s had enough. Again and again, that hard, sharp pain until you’re surprised there’s anything left of you, that he hasn’t broken you in half. On and on until he comes inside you, polluting you._

_“What are you crying for?” he asks. He’s offended you would do such a thing. So he kicks you to punish you for behaving so badly. It’s rude of you when he’s your guest. You’re supposed to welcome him in with open arms and open arse._

_He gives an impatient sigh and walks out, leaving you. It’s obvious what you should do now. Get dressed and get out. Report the bastard who does this not only to you but to others. You know there are others. He’s boasted of it enough._

_But you can’t._

_No-one would ever believe you. Why would they? You’re nothing, you’re just a kid. He’s a somebody: a clever, respected member of society. No-one would believe you and if they did it would be all your fault for letting him do this to you._

_Because it is your fault. He says he wouldn’t do it if you said a proper no but somehow you didn’t say it properly and so he knows you want it as much as he does._

_You can’t get away from him. Wherever you hide he will find you. He’s always here waiting so wherever you go he will follow. Or he’ll wait till you come home. No matter where you hide you always have to come home. He’ll sneak in and no-one will know. No-one will care._

_And in a way you almost want it because you’re starting to believe him when he tells you it’s all your good for and you want so badly to be good for something. They all tell you you’ll never amount to anything because of who and what you are but here’s someone who thinks you are worth something, someone who seeks you out, who very occasionally says kind things to you. When he’s not doing it (and he always promises he won’t) he makes you feel important, like you actually mean something to him and he’s the one person in this horrid, lonely existence who will always be there and always want you. He won’t leave you like your dad or give you away like your brother or come and go like the other children in the care home. He will always be here._

_But now he’s back and you’ve taken too long. You’re not dressed, you’re still lying there, naked, inviting. You don’t try to stand up; you don’t even try to say no because what’s the point? He won’t hear. He wouldn’t care if he did._

_Back down on top of you and in he goes, harder and faster and you’re crying again but silently; your fingers grasp at the carpet because you need something to hold onto; the rest of your body stays still because you’re too tired to move, too tired to do anything except take it, just like he wants, and you hate yourself for still being there; hate yourself for thinking even for a moment that you were glad there was someone in your life who wants you._

_And now he’s grabbed you by the shoulders and he’s shaking you, shaking you hard, and he’s shouting and it’s not his voice anymore and for a horrible moment you think there’s someone else in there with you, someone come to watch your humiliation or join in with it, but he’s calling your name and it’s not his voice anymore, it’s a kinder, more loving voice, a voice that’s worried and even terrified, a voice that you know…_

 

“Cal, wake up, it’s just a nightmare. Open your eyes, love. Please open your eyes. It’s me. It’s James.”

Cal opened his eyes slowly. The hands holding him were gentle and he knew it was just a dream because it didn’t hurt. There was no fiery hot pain inside him. It hadn’t happened, not this time.

But it had still happened. So many times, more times than Cal could count, and no amount of love from James would ever change that.

James was staring at him with concern on his face. He wrapped his arms around Cal and pulled him close. Cal clung onto him, his whole body trembling as he buried his face in James’ shoulder and couldn’t stop crying.

“Shh, it’s okay, you’re safe,” James was saying as he rocked Cal in his arms. Anxiety had lifted his voice to a slightly higher pitch than usual but Cal could tell he was trying to speak calmly. “It’s okay, Cal. It’s just a nightmare. It’s not real. Don’t cry, love. It’s okay.”

But it is real, Cal thought. It’s with me every day: it’s part of me. I know I forget about it sometimes, usually when I’m with James, but it’s still part of me and it’s made me into me and I can’t ever escape that.

James kissed the top of Cal’s head. “You’re awake now, love. You’re safe. You’re with me.”

The warmth of his body began to seep into Cal’s skin. The arms holding him were strong; the hand moving in circles on his bare back was gentle. He was safe with James. James would never hurt him. James wouldn’t even have sex with him if Cal asked him to: James still said he was too young. He’d only recently given into Cal’s plea to let him share his bed with him sometimes, when Jackie was away buying or selling farm stock.

Cal had hoped that would make it easier; that James would keep the nightmares away and so far, he always had. Until tonight. 

“What were you dreaming about?” James asked worriedly. He moved slightly so he could look at Cal, though the arms around him were as firm and secure as ever. “You were so frightened and it looked like you were in pain too.”

Cal tensed. “What did I say?” He was seized with panic: he did not want James to know. Not now. Not ever. He was almost sure now that James wouldn’t regard him as damaged and faulty goods; he was fairly sure it would make no difference to James’ feelings for him. 

But it would make James see him differently; it would make James pity him, which Cal couldn't bear; it would break his heart to know how Cal had suffered.

“You didn’t say anything,” said James. Gently, he kissed away the tears on Cal’s cheeks. “You didn’t make a sound at all. I just felt you shaking, it woke me up. I thought it was an earthquake at first but then I realised it was you. I’ve hardly ever even seen you scared before but you were terrified. And in pain too.” He caught Cal close again, the movement almost convulsive.

Cal wanted to answer, wanted to reassure him he was all right but still the tears came and the words didn’t. 

James stroked his hair. “You don’t have to tell me but it might make it seem less real if you talk about it. Then it won’t seem so bad and you can go back to sleep.”

Even the thought of sleep made Cal shudder. He didn’t think he could cope with any more sleep, not tonight. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” James whispered, holding him more tightly. “Just tell me, Cal.”

Cal lifted his head. He didn’t want to lie to James but he couldn’t tell the truth and he didn’t want to hurt James by giving no answer at all. James seemed to realise he was trying to speak: he didn’t say another word. He just waited, his arms around Cal.

“I don’t think you’d like to hear about it,” Cal said at last. “I don’t want to upset you.”

“I won’t get upset. I promise,” James said. He pressed his lips to Cal’s. “You can tell me anything, Cal. And you know you’d say exactly the same thing if I had a nightmare.”

It was true. In other circumstances, Cal might even have smiled because James was right. He always insisted that James told him when there was something wrong.

But this was different. Even if Cal had wanted to tell James, the words were too deeply buried now. Buried in the past where only dreams could reach them.

“Well… you were… dying,” Cal said. It was the worst thing he could think of. “And I couldn’t do anything. I was just… frozen. I couldn’t move. I tried to call out but I didn’t have a voice.” The tears rose to his eyes again. “And I knew it was all my fault and I deserved it.”

James gathered him close again. “It’s just a dream, Cal. I’m okay. And I know I’ll always be okay because I’ve got you. I know you’ll always protect me.”

Cal hated himself for lying now. He, who detested lies so much from other people, had lied to the guy he loved. A terrible lie that must have hurt James even though he was pretending it didn’t. The knowledge made him want to cry even more but he knew he’d worried James too much already. He wiped his tears away and hugged James tightly. “I’m sorry, James. I love you.”

“Why are you sorry? Everyone has nightmares.” James kissed the top of his head.

Cal would have preferred a reply to the ‘I love you’ part but he knew it could be worse. At least he had James with him. At least he wasn’t alone, not this time. “I’m okay now. I feel better. You made me feel better. Let’s just cuddle now till we fall asleep?”

The tremor in his voice must have given the lie to his words but James didn’t challenge him. He just wrapped his arms more securely around Cal. “Wake me up again if you need me, love. And I’ll wake you up if I need you.”


End file.
